Independence: Or, How I Realized I Wasn't Making Chaka Proud

The note inside the "How to Bake Everything" book ended something like this: ...and now that you have finished college, I thought this book would be the perfect gift to help you focus on the next chapter of your life: your family. Both slightly offended by its implication and delighted by the prospect of pastries in my mouth, I set the well-meaning present aside. Those who know me will probably file themselves under Less Than Shocked to discover the book has remained unopened. 

Whether chauvinist or feminist, it is undeniable that societal norms have been [read: are currently] shifting. Today's woman is situated somewhere between those broads in Mona Lisa Smile and the title character in Erin Brockovich [I love Julia Roberts, by the way, and if you haven't seen either film make sure to Netflix that ish]. So, while we are not all going to college simply to find a husband, we are not exactly not looking. And while a woman with a strong sense of self is appreciated, we still factor her exterior beauty into the calculation when rationalizing her success. If she is beautiful then she must have seduced someone for that coveted promotion and if she isn't, well, she must have been so lonely that she had no choice but to devote all that time to her career. No wonder she is doing so well for herself!! Never mind where I fall on this distasteful spectrum, we have all accepted an anachronistic and worn definition of "independence". 

If today's music is any indication, as long as we are buying our own goods, kicking broke men to the curb, or giving our boyfriends ultimatums while waving our left hand around and dancing, then we women have somehow mastered the art of independence. FALSE. Independence is not being so detached and jaded that we lack vulnerability. It does not mean accepting and reaching a level of complacency with loneliness. In fact, independence within a healthy relationship is just as necessary as when you are on your own. Because worse than receiving a book on how to turn a woman's worth back 50 years is the fact that deep down you wouldn't mind baking each and every recipe if it meant making him happy. So go ahead, bake, cook, clean, fold and actively demonstrate your love. But devote a portion of every day to your self-constructed and personalized definition of independence. [Like, INDEPENDENCE - noun: your love of you.] You can take my word for it or simply wait until the illuminating moment hits you one afternoon. Since the need to define your own independence can be triggered by the smallest events, recognize its presence and then act. For me, independence is writing without permission, restriction, or guidelines. Because when the highlight of your day is snuggling, it just might be time to start a blog. 

~carter